Mr Monkey's FAQ

Why didn't you ever answer my email?
It's not that Mr Monkey didn't want to answer you, but that he could not. If his lazy press agent didn't insist on spending her time engaging in such frivolous activities as "earning a living," perhaps she could have tackled the overwhelming task of typing up Mr Monkey's witty responses to the 1000+ emails that sit unanswered in his inbox right now. Mr Monkey is truly sorry if misha's misguided efforts to "pay her bills" has left anyone feeling slighted.

Where have you been for the past 3 years??
Mr Monkey developed a disfiguring cataract in his right eye, and was so ashamed of his appearance he ran away from home so as to avoid being photographed (by the quite persistent misha) for his web site. While he was gone, he partook in many exciting, mystical, soul-searching adventures which helped him to face & overcome his shallow vanity, but about which you shall never read because they were personal & there were no photographers present.

Why do your pages say "Don't bother to email, you won't get a response"?
Because it's very likely that you won't, unfortunately. Please see "Why didn't you ever answer my email?", above.

How do i make a submission to T.V. Monkey?
Mr Monkey considers the T.V. Monkey pages to be lists of monkey reference sightings he has made; therefore, submissions are not accepted.

How do i make a submission to the Index of Famous Monkeys?
If you have your heart set on submitting a famous monkey name, please review the following, then use contact page to make your submission:

Make absolutely sure the name you wish to submit is not already on the list. For example, if you couldn't find "Cousin Bessie" on the list under "C", look under "B" for "Bessie" before concluding that the name isn't listed. Also try alternate spellings, like "Congo" instead of "Kongo."
Avoid being confrontational; Mr Monkey can dish it out, but he can't take it. If your message is snippy, condescending, accusatory, and/or rude, you won't get credit for your submission.
Provide complete information; look at the existing entries to see what kind of information is required. If your submission is from a book, movie, etc., be sure to include the title as well as the source type -- is it a book? a movie? Don't just assume Mr Monkey will recognize the title!
Tell Mr Monkey how you would like to be credited. He needs to know what 3 initials you would like him to use, how you would like your name to appear in the credits, and the URL of your web site if you would like him to link to it.

Don't you know the difference between apes and monkeys?
Yes, Mr Monkey is quite aware of the differences between apes and monkeys; for example, apes have appendixes where monkeys do not, monkeys have tails where apes do not. Apes are generally considered to be of superior intelligence than monkeys (although if this is true, Mr Monkey wonders if Koko the gorilla could maintain her own web site as Mr Monkey does). And so on. You do not need to waste your time typing up another self-righteous explanation of this taxonomy.

But please, O "intellectual" surfer of frivolous monkey sites, allow Mr Monkey to explain a couple of things to you. For starters, the purpose of this site is to entertain, not educate. As such, rigid scientific accuracy is not a high priority. If you are incapable of being entertained in the abscence of strict zoological correctness, then you should not be wasting your time perusing Mr Monkey's web site, nor -- for that matter -- writing him emails.

Anyone who has interacted with other English-speaking humans at all over the past few decades will note that it is societally and conceptually (if not scientifically) acceptable to refer to any primate as a "monkey." Such use could be labeled "informal" or perhaps even "nonstandard," but is nonetheless at least understood by all but the most petty, humorless, and/or dull-witted audiences. In fact, the American Heritage Dictionary defines "monkey" as "any member of the primates except man" (in all fairness, it does also say "especially one of the long-tailed small- to medium-sized species as distinguished from the larger apes and the smaller lemurs," but note that "especially" does not mean "exclusively"). If you are incapable of accepting and/or understanding the common but inaccurate usage of a word in the name of light-hearted monkey-oriented fun, then you are waaaaayyyyyy too serious and nitpicky to enjoy this site. Perhaps you should redirect yourself to an obsessive Star Trek fan site at once, where you may put to good use your desire to analyze the fun out of things.

Where can I buy/rent a live monkey?
Mr Monkey cannot believe that so many thoughtless humans have actually asked him this appalling question. How offended would you be if someone asked you if you knew where to purchase a human slave? If you have any soul at all, you would be horrified; and that is precisely how Mr Monkey feels when you dirty, immoral humans ask where you can obtain one of his own kind so that you may treat it like property. So the answer really is: YOU SHOULDN'T.

What's the name of/where can I buy that monkey toy that plays the cymbals?
Mr Monkey is tired of questions about the cymbal-playing monkey for two reasons. One: these questions do not pertain directly to Mr Monkey. Two: Mr Monkey does not approve of the purchase of his kind for the amusement of humans. However, if you must know, there is a toy available in some places (do not ask Mr Monkey which places; see next FAQ) called "Charlie," and another called "Mister Monkey" (no relation). There may be yet others. Do your own sodding research.

Where can I buy toys/books/merchandise/etc that feature monkeys other than you?
Mr Monkey is not a shopping tipster. He does not email blonde-haired people to ask if they know where he can buy blonde-haired dolls, because that would be silly. Just as silly as it is for you to assume that Mr Monkey is some sort of monkey junk yellow pages merely because he happens to be a monkey. Here's a radical suggestion for you: why not look in some... I dunno... stores? Or search some... hm, let's see ... auction sites? It may sound crazy and off-the-wall, but believe Mr Monkey when he tells you it's the only way!

Will you send me a picture?
No. ALL of the pictures Mr Monkey has can be found on his web site; by posting them in a public place, he has already sent all of his pictures to everyone in the world, in a way. Every single picture in his collection has been hauled out and posted for your amusement, and still you demand more. More more more. The cumulative days and days of time Mr Monkey and his press agent have poured into this site are not enough for you. You want more time, more work, more pain. Well, Mr Monkey suspects you know what you can do with your request.

Do you have a picture of a monkey wearing some specific kind of outfit or doing some specific task?
No. All of the picures Mr Monkey has can be found on his web site; if you do not find the picture you seek on this site, Mr Monkey does not have it. For further beratement, please see the answer to the question "Will you send me a picture?" (above).

I have a vague description of a movie/TV. show/book & want to know its name or the name of the monkey in it. Can you help?
No. Mr Monkey, while clearly fabulous, is not omniscient. Nor does he have any patience for these kinds of questions. There must be a forum somewhere with videophiles just lined up to solve your dilemma.

Will you marry me?
Mr Monkey is always tickled to have this question asked of him, but he hears it so often he can no longer reply personally to everyone who poses it. Mr Monkey is sure you are a very nice person, but he enjoys his bachelor life too much to settle down. He knows you will find somebody someday, perhaps even someone of your own species, and closer to your own height. Besides, what you feel for him is just infatuation; although understandable, not a valid basis for marriage.

Can I use images from your site?
Misha is always happy to allow people to use her artwork, as long as you mention somewhere that she is the artist, and provide a link to her site. However, there are many images on Mr Monkey's site which are not her artwork; in particular, the art gallery and the pictures of Famous monkeys. Neither Mr Monkey nor misha is authorized to give you permission to use these, since we do not own the rights to them.

Can I quote you in a paper I'm writing for school?
Mr Monkey cannot imagine what kind of paper one would be writing wherein he was quoted. But he has no objection to this, as long as it doesn't require any extra work on the part of misha or Mr Monkey.

ur munky sight sux u suk ur so wack
Mr Monkey champions the right of anyone to say anything s/he likes, even if Mr Monkey does not like what s/he is saying. However, Mr Monkey can't help but wonder what makes people think he is interested in hearing about how much they hate his site, particularly from individuals who can't spell and/or haven't mastered the punctuation & shift keys on their keyboards. Mr Monkey is sorry (well, not really) that you didn't enjoy your visit to his web site, but he does not give a rat's ass. Sending Mr Monkey your negative sentiments will not draw anger nor even a response, only his pity.

Did you know that you can pair up the words "monkey" and "spank" to create a lewd reference?
Yes. Many people have mentioned it.




				All the verbal, visual, and conceptual contents of this web site are © 1998-2004 Citizen Lunchbox in perpetuity throughout the universe. This page was last modified 15 October 2004 Don't bother to email; you won't get a response.

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