• ODD REQUESTS - Mr Monkey needs to dispel a few rumors
• QUIT STEREOTYPING ME - and disengage your caps-lock while you're at it
• MR MONKEY: MENTOR TO THE YOUNG - choose your examples carefully
• MISSION: IMPOLITIC - one more reason not to try to boss Mr Monkey around
• ASK MR. DONKEY?? - a smart kid & his lofty goals of plagiarism

"John" writes:
Yo yo yo Mr. Monkey. Man you are awesome. You wanna come over and get drunk and smoke up? Man you rule! Can I buy you? I want a pet Mr. Monkey to eat all the tables in my house.

Mr Monkey responds:
Thank you for writing. Whereas it is true that Mr Monkey is awesome, that he rules, and that he has been known to enjoy the occasional apéritif, Mr Monkey thinks you should know that he does not smoke. Additionally, Mr Monkey takes great offense at your desire to purchase him, as if he were a mere object upon which a price could be placed. Mr Monkey is not a "pet!"

After reading your letter, Mr Monkey sampled one of the tables in misha's apartment. He did not care for the texture, nor did he care for the yelling, screaming, and removal of the remote control that ensued when misha got home. Mr Monkey concludes that he is not the proper candidate for the disposal of your furniture. Perhaps you can find a "Mr. Termite" out there somewhere.

"MANJU" writes:
DEAR Mr.MONKEY,
YOU LOVE BANANAS..I LOVE BANANAS.. SO, LET'S GO BANANAS !!!

HOWZ LIFE IN THE JUNGLE ? COME TO TOWN AND TAKE ME WITH YOU.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE APES AROUND YOU ? DO REPLY.

Mr Monkey responds:
Thank you for writing. Mr Monkey enjoyed your cheerful note. However, Mr Monkey would like to make it clear that he does not love bananas. That is a stereotype. It is true that bananas are a common staple in the diets of monkeys, but Mr Monkey hastens to point out that he is not "common." Further, Mr Monkey does not live in a jungle (nor a zoo, which many others have assumed); he lives in an apartment in the city. Mr Monkey encourages you and all his peeps to avoid pre-judging anyone based on the color of his or her cloth.

"Quinn" writes:
Hi Mr. Monkey!
You have truly inspired me. Now I know my fellow monkey to the fullest. Even though I am in 6th grade I am begining to see monkeys not as a animal, but a friend, educater, brother or sister. I thank you and your writer, Mishha for creating this web site. Now I have pictures to put everywhere. You are my idel, my hero. Now i am known as "monkey girl" because i have so many pictures and I know so much about monkeys. Thanks again.

Mr Monkey responds:
Thank you for writing. Mr Monkey is pleased to hear of your enlightenment. Your first mission as his disciple is to shave your head, don a colorful toga, and go solicit donations at the airport. The funds you amass may be sent to Mr Monkey care of this web site.

Remember, kids: admiring Mr Monkey & enjoying his exploits is all well and good; but alcoholism is only "cute" and "fun" when you're made of cloth! Also, ask a parent or guardian before shaving your head & hanging out at the airport.

"Liz R." writes:
Hello there!

Your listing for "Mighty Joe Young" is WRONG.

Disney's 1999 film "Mighty Joe Young" is a remake of the 1949 film, written by the same person as "King Kong", with stop-motion animation effects by Willis O'Brien and Ray Harryhausen.

I first noticed this error a while back, but kept putting off the correction notification until now.

There are two ways to correct it: either list both film dates OR apologize to film fanatics at the outset.

I'm sure you're trying to make an effort to list the earliest recorded "famous monkeys", so this should help you.

Mr Monkey responds:
Mr Monkey thinks you are confused. You have stated that his entry on Mighty Joe Young is, and he quotes, "WRONG." However, since there WAS a movie called "Mighty Joe Young" released around 1999 by Walt Disney, the entry is clearly not "WRONG." It is, perhaps, incomplete. Maybe Liz R. needs to look those two words up in the dictionary; "WRONG" and "incomplete" are not the same. While you're at it, you should also look up the term "self-important." Mr Monkey does not owe you or anyone else any apologies. He has provided the world with an entertaining web site at absolutely no cost to its readers, and yet there are always people like Liz R. who want to whine about something.

"Matt L." writes:
I am truly impressed with your web site and hope to make a web site very soon. I too want to allow people and other kids like myself to email me.

I think that would be a great idea to make Mr.Donkey Web Site. (My Grandma has a donkey) People would be able to write to Mr. Donkey and then I would ask my Grandma what, she thinks, Mr. Donkey would say. Her donkey is so cool.

My other grandma has a goat but I am saving it for my future project.

Is it very hard to make a website like this one? Should I do it myslef or hire a proffesional to do it for me. I am only 10 and my dad says I'm too young to make Donkey Websites. My dad let me use his email to write to you. I don't have my own yet. My dad says I'm too young.

Where can I learn these skills and how long did it take you? Someday, I too will be a web designer like yourself, I hope.

Mr Monkey responds:
Thank you for writing. Mr Monkey admires both your verbal skills and your lofty goals.

The site you propose sounds like a good start for an aspiring web curator. Instead of hiring a professional to make it for you, you should do what Mr Monkey did: goad a hapless human like misha into doing it for you for free while you watch her T.V. and eat all her Doritos. Do not attempt to get misha to do it for you, as she already has so much to do that it is causing her updates of Mr Monkey's site to be very few and very far between, and he does not want that to get any worse than it already is. You will need to find your own web designer.

Another option (one that Mr Monkey himself cannot necessarily endorse, as he would not do it himself) is to learn web site creation skills on your own, and then make your own site. That's what misha did, and she did not begin until she was in her mid-twenties; with your younger, spongier mind, you should be able to pick up things like HTML even more quickly than she did. Webmonkey is not only monkey-related, but it is also a fantastic resource for learning about all things web (coincidence? Mr Monkey thinks not). There is also a plethora of programs out there which enable folks to create web sites without learning anything; a great place to download freeware/shareware programs for all platforms is Tucows. Despite its conspicuous lack of monkeys, Tucows rocks, verily!

In closing, let Mr Monkey say that he does not think 10 is too young for web site creation, nor is it too young to be planning projects. The younger you are when you start doing these things, the better you will be both as a person and as an artisan as you grow to adulthood. However, email is another issue. Mr Monkey recently took his email address off of his web pages because so many people were sending him so many bad things. He would be horrified if some of these bad things were being sent to a 10-year-old. But if you had a web page with your email address on it, you would be getting these inappropriate messages too. Mr Monkey believes that you are much better off without them. If you do end up creating your Mr. Donkey site, you may wish to consider using something like a guest book or a "blog" instead of posting your address; this way, you could still communicate with people without being exposed to stuff that nobody should be exposed to, let alone someone as young and impressionable as yourself. There are free guest books and blogs available for download, too. If you can't find them at Tucows, try doing a web search for "free download guest book" or "free download blog".

Mr Monkey wishes you a long, prosperous, and spam-free future.