The Fine Print
This page contains more information on the following topics:
If you didn't come here from The New Mr Monkey T-Shirt Vote-O-Matic, you should go there now!
The old "Naughty Monkey" shirts have been officially retired, and the last ones have all found good homes. Now is
time for "Action Monkey!" Mr Monkey just needs you to help him make a few decisions about the configuration, hence
The New "Action Monkey" Design
The final version will not say "monkey-related text" on it; it will contain a phrase that Mr Monkey shall
not reveal until the shirts are ready to sell. Until then, it's a secret! Mr Monkey will tell you that it is
G-rated, and that whereas he supposes it might be possible for someone out there to be "offended"
by it (in the same way somebody out there might be "offended" by dryer lint), he assures you that it
is incredibly unlikely. Also, all the areas in white will glow in the dark!!!! How cool is that?!?
You, the Voter, get to decide whether you'd like to see this design on the front or the back of the shirt.
Misha (Mr Monkey's press agent) thought it might be neat to have a small glow-in-the-dark monkey head
either on the left sleeve or on the chest of this shirt. The problem is, that would make it more expensive;
the cost-o-meter is there to show you by how much. Please read this file's section on cost
(below) for more info about prices.
The Optional Small Design
The choices are black, brick red (or "cardinal" or "maroon"), or slate blue
(or "metro blue" or "royal").
Turn an option on by clicking the monkey head button next to it; turn an option off by clicking again on the
monkey head button (you can't turn off the "main design location" cuz that baby's goin' on there no matter what. Deal with it!)
How to Use The Vote-O-Matic
The addition of the "small design" will make the t-shirt more expensive; the
Cost-O-Meter shows you by about how much. Please take the final cost into account when you are deciding which
configuration you like best.
Cost and The "Cost-O-Meter"
- Costs are estimated and should be allowed a margin of error of about $1 in either direction.
- XXL shirts will cost an additional $1 (cuz they cost me that much more).
- The cost-o-meter does NOT reflect shipping, only the estimated price of the shirt itself.
- Misha estimates that having an extra design on the chest (with the main design on the back) will cause
the t-shirt to be about $1 more expensive.
- Misha estimates that having an extra design on the sleeve will cause the t-shirt to be about $2 more expensive
(printing on the sleeve is harder).
You do not need to answer this question in order to vote or to be entered in the drawing; only answer it if
you are interested in sharing your opinion. Answering it will NOT expose you to the possibility that Mr Monkey
might try to pressure you into buying a t-shirt. He is waayyyyy too lazy to actually "sell" these things.
for more info about how much we HATE spam!!
The Optional Survey Question
If you provide your full name and a valid email address along with your vote, you will be automatically entered
in the drawing. Once the voting is done, Mr Monkey will randomly choose one voter to receive a free Action Monkey t-shirt!
The winner will even get to choose what size s/he gets! Don't say Mr Monkey never did nuthin' for ya.
The Drawing for a Free Action Monkey T-Shirt
Mr Monkey only needs your email address so he can contact you if you win the shirt. Mr Monkey only needs your name
so that he can make sure everybody only gets entered into the drawing once. Mr Monkey will not spam you.
for more info about how much we HATE spam!!
- If you don't type in your name and email address, you will not be entered in the drawing.
In fact, you'll be completely anonymous; votes are not cast via email, so no information about
you reaches me unless you send it.
- Voting more than once will not help your chances of winning. Each person is only allowed one
entry, so if you vote more than once, only your first vote will count towards the drawing.
- The winning t-shirt will only be sent to the person whose name is on the winning vote.
- The winner will be contacted by email shortly after the drawing (which will be held at some indeterminate time
in the future). Nobody else will be contacted at all unless they indicate that they want to be (see next bullet point).
- If you'd like to be notified when the new t-shirts are available, please
contact Mr Monkey & let him know.
You can't enter the drawing from the "99% Fun-Free Manual Voting Form." Sorry. That's just the way it is.
You're gonna have to trust me that i have a good reason.
CITIZEN LUNCHBOX WILL NEVER SPAM YOU. I absolutely #$%&*ing HATE SPAM!!!! I am currently
lobbying to have a law put on the books making it acceptable for private citizens to hire hackers
to track down spammers, and then to go to the homes or places of business of said spammers and do any one
or more of the following things to their computers:
- throw it out the window
- put it in a bathtub filled with the liquid or liquids of your choice
- run over it with the vehicle of your choice
- fill it with actual Spam(tm), then bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees (Fahrenheit or celcius, your choice)
- stuff a hive of Africanized honey bees into it
- bash it repeatedly with a baseball, tee-ball, or cricket bat
- abscond with it
- "install" it where the sun don't shine, then "boot it up!"
Anyone spamming any email address at citizenlunchbox.com leaves him- or herself open to any and
all of the penalties described in the previous bullet point. By spamming this
domain, you signify your complete and willing acceptance of these terms.
The preview images, though realistically rendered, are "artist conceptions" and do not
portray the finished t-shirt with 100% accuracy. Also, the shirts will only be offered in adult sizes S through XXL;
the extra-extra-EXTRA-super-duper-small modeled by Mr Monkey will not be available.
When the phrase "Citizen Lunchbox" and the word "we" are used here, what we mean is
"misha and Mr Monkey;" Citizen Lunchbox consists of one struggling artist, and one freeloading fabric monkey.
When the pronouns "i" or "me" are used, misha is the speaker; Mr Monkey always refers to himself in the third person.
Please do not enter the drawing if...
- ...you are offended by dryer lint (see The New "Action Monkey" Design);
- ...you are offended by my insinuation that dryer lint is not actually offensive (ibid);
- ...you are inclined to be whiny;
- ...you like to sue people;
- ...you plan to insist you get your free t-shirt at a specific time;
- ...you want me to send it to someone besides the person whose name is on the winning vote
(which i won't do no matter how huffy anyone gets about it);
- ...you think i'm some huge company with deep pockets that you're going to try to screw
out of some extra money or apparel; or
- ...there's even the slightest possibility that you might be tempted to do any other irritating thing
that might discourage me from doing anything like this ever again.
I am an individual of meager income, and i am holding this drawing for FUN,
not profit. If you are the type of person who likes to suck all the fun out of things, please don't even vote.
Last modified 02 Oct 2003